@MumsieEsq: When your 3yo spits a chewed up wad of cheese into your hand and you're like "where did you find this, I didn't give you any cheese today?"
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@ArfMeasures: [court] LAWYER: Did u kill him? ME: No L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury? ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
@Thynebear: "What? Only 2% Milk? Then what's the other 98%!?" [bull walking confidently out of the factory] Oh you don't wanna know
@jazmasta: Goodnight moon, goodnight stars. Goodnight weird guy who walks past my house on crutches every night. Goodnight house on crutches.
@AimeeHelene1: 'Dances with Wolves'... But it's just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.