When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
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worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?