When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
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some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
I never needed anything more in my life
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
Ha.
Tuesday
A man of commitment.
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.