@1Happytwit: When your boss says "You need help", he never means a hitman.
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@RandomAntics: Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
@SteveSuckington: [camping] "Dad I'm afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me" -don't be silly. It'll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
@reesespiece_: Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is "married."nLike that's gonna stop me!
@Travon: Flight attendant: "will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?" Me: "yes" In my head: "No we're all gonna die"