@1Happytwit: When your boss says "You need help", he never means a hitman.
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@slimmy_shady: Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it's the cat's way of saying "What the f are you looking at?!"
@QwertyJones3: Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
@ComedicBust: We kissed. We undressed. I felt her heart beat. I used her bathroom. I saw Colgate toothpaste. I left. We never spoke again.