@Talkinghands69: When your boss says "you're getting a little behind," he won't appreciate it when you wink and say "been working out-thanks for noticing."
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@daplusk: [date] Me: Have you ever had it so deep your toes curl? Her: No, I'd love that Me: [pulls out 15th century poetry book] get ready Her: um
@PaperWash: Mother's Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
@Jamie1947: Give a dog a bone and he'll be like, "Oh wow, I love these, thanks" Teach a dog to bone and he'll be like, "dude, I got this"
@djdarrellripley: Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It's kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung...