@Talkinghands69: When your boss says "you're getting a little behind," he won't appreciate it when you wink and say "been working out-thanks for noticing."
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@Home_Halfway: Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I'm describing him.
@Sirrruh: Life has taught me if you go to the store for milk and you're high, you won't buy milk. You will spend half your rent on hot pockets though.
@badbanana: Most unrealistic scene in Pacific Rim? Hundreds take shelter in a bunker during a monster attack. Not one person is tweeting.
@Rollinintheseat: Interviewer: "Why do you want to be a librarian?" Me: "I like telling people to be quiet."