me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
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My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*