There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
You Might Also Like
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
–
Aether is both a noun and a verb.
–
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??