@papasuncle: When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
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@PandAmonnia: "YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You've been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!" *mom leaves crust on so you'll finally move out*
@VodkaThursday: U just HAD to be polite & hold the elevator for me. I could have had a nice, quiet ride alone. Instead, I had to be polite & talk about fall
@SteveKoehler22: She gets stoked after reading: "Big strapping boxer" on dating site But soon discovers he's a 475 lb. guy working in shipping at Amazon.
@notacroc: Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the- Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored W: M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen