When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
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i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
Anime is real
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza