When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
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You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.