@OhNoSheTwitnt: When your friend tells you she's thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
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@gerryhallcomedy: "I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over" - guy who invented the accordion
@Fuzzylogic2009: I've stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
@MakesYouGiggle: Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job? Me: Because being broke and homeless didn't really call out to me.