@OhNoSheTwitnt: When your friend tells you she's thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
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@briangaar: "Sir, I need you to explain your resume." Well, my pet tiger & I were beloved cartoon characters "Current job?" I pee on things I don't like
@k_lli: A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he's that excited to get to work.
@TheRobCee: Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
@robfee: When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.