When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
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yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
A Short Story.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁