When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
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Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby