When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
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Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
Childbirth is so beautiful
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.