When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
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Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.