@trevso_electric: When your girlfriend is PMS'ing, cheer her up by showing her that "totally weird" text you got from your ex last night.
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@bobbiejo448: "That's Superman, that's Batman, and that's Cyborg. If you won't call them by their names, I can't play with you anymore." - me to my 5yo.
@DilemmaEmmaEmma: Once when I had a broken toe, my mom told me to walk it off. When Princess Di died, she sobbed for a day.
@dafloydsta: [job interview] "What's your greatest weakness?" I'm always hungry "That's not what I-" *takes out a cake* Also, I don't like to share