When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
You Might Also Like
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
Saint West, the patron of selfies
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.