When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
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Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.