When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
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[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
Just parrot things
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
That lamp looks PISSED.
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
I remember when things only cost an arm.
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”