When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
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The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
gentlemen, hear me out
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
HELP 😭
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.