Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
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Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
*serious situation*
My brain:
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
Taco Bell, Exit 22
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is