Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
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My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
*pronounces woah like Noah*
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!