When your man makes a valid point
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the three branches of government
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
drew a comic about my origin story
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
Death certificates are our last participation award.
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.