“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
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i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance