[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
You Might Also Like
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.