The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
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There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
my mind
You just read my mind
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.