It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
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Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
#ProTip
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.