@markleggett: When your parents held you as a baby for the first time, they secretly hoped you'd end up arguing with strangers on a celebrity's Instagram.
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@MrSpoonicorn: *picks up the bagel again* sorry i gotta take this one *leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
@Book_Krazy: Me: *[pulls back shower curtain] "Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes" Him: "Who the hell are you and should I be scared?"
@RobDenBleyker: Finally watching Michael Bay's TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling "How did you get this number?!?"
@Brianhopecomedy: My wife said she expects the house to be clean by the time she walks in the door so I changed all of the locks.