Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
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Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.