When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
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Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
the red hot silly peppers
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.