@WilliamAder: When your pet is staring at you, it's probably thinking "I wonder how long those things live."
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@envydatropic: It's cute how my family thinks I'm playing with fire and I'm just trying to cook them breakfast
@CoopSoSarc: I hung a horseshoe above the door for goodluck. My wife still came home. Superstitions are stupid.
@LackOfShame: Women, when you say: "We should move into a better house." A man hears: "My plan is to force you to work till the day you die."