“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
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As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
White Castle for the Win
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.