Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
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If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy