When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
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When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
True.
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.