When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
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If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards