when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
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[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
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Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus