@PressOneForNo: When your toddlers are teenagers don't forget to wake them at 5am because your sock came off
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@bracealmighty: My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
@ArfMeasures: GF: What's my biggest flaw? ME: You haven't got any, you're perfect, I love you GF: No come on, I mean pacifically ME: We should split up
@mrjohndarby: [arriving in hell] devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh* me: *starts eating* devil: wait, how?