@PressOneForNo: When your toddlers are teenagers don't forget to wake them at 5am because your sock came off
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@Test_of_Steron: Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
@krisv_723: Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms. *later* Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw? Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
@ericonederful: Fellas, If you kill a spider while you're at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex. P.S. Bring a spider.
@leechee420: Friend asks me to be her maid of honor: M-What do I have to do? F-Well I know you, so I'm expecting very little. Mission accomplished.