@PressOneForNo: When your toddlers are teenagers don't forget to wake them at 5am because your sock came off
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@GayAtHomeDad: If your partner/spouse tells you they're not reading everything you tweet: A) they're lying B) hi honey!
@Supafunkadunka: Women my age expect a man to have his shit together by now. Time to start dating younger women.
@girlontapas: Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
@OutOfLeftField_: Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches. Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.