Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
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Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
The prophecy is fulfilled
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*