When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
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Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
How actors in movies eat their food
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back