When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
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I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing