When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
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me doing my best
sigh
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
Raisins are grape jerky.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
There is no “we” in chocolate.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
Boy never ceases to amaze me
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.