I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
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For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.