today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
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Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
LMAO.
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
Story of my life…..
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
The absolute effort that went into this omg
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
Cannot stop laughing at this
We need more people like this.
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back