I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
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just got my engagement photos
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
is frankincense just very honest incense?
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
Whoa 😂
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
lmaaaaaooooooooo
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.