@jasonroeder: When you're accused of buying someone a gift last-minute at Walgreens, don't reveal you actually went to Walgreens a month ago.
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@MatCro: ME: I want the car's brake lines to rust SCIENTIST: I'm listening ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
@StansaidAirport: The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don't like the French.
@all_about_today: What I've learned from twitter is that if I tell a joke to 1,300 people, at least 2 will laugh.
@Carter_TCB: Just found out men don't need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.