@jasonroeder: When you're accused of buying someone a gift last-minute at Walgreens, don't reveal you actually went to Walgreens a month ago.
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@longwall26: Me: I want to buy this chicken Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him? *imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy* Me: Yes
@ahoytheboat: i wear my ninja turtles costume on all of my first dates just to weed out the weirdos.
@_mcgoof: Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
@pharmasean: What's your spirit animal? "An eagle. They're so majestic." MEANWHILE Horse: hey eagle, what's your spirit human Eagle: this guy Dave