“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
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wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?