When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
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Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours