@noog: When you're alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what's up.
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@AJemaineClement: Good one computer geniuses, you made everything "user friendly" and "intuitive" and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
@thatUPSdude: [first date] Me: You into role playing? Her: Kinky, what do you have in mind? Me: You fake a heart attack and we get our meal for free.
@Not_DeeAnn: First thing heard on the news: "You're gonna be wet by this time tomorrow morning". Kinda looking forward to Tuesday now
@yerpalmildsauce: Me: If that baby won't stop crying I'm walking out & going to another restaurant. Gf: You used to do that too. Me: that was months ago.