when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
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Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.