@warne888: When you're at someone's house? Normal people: "What a lovely house!" Me: "What's your wifi password?"
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@rickolantern: Me: Was this product tested on animals? Clerk: Yes. Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!! Clerk: Sir, that's a dog leash.
@TommyWallace: Dr: I was going to ask if you were sexually active but- Me [wearing hot dog costume]: but what
@SamGrittner: I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said "she just wanted me to be happy," so I'm on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
@FinallyHeSleeps: Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom. Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.