When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
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i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”