Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
You Might Also Like
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them