When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
You Might Also Like
I am, perchance
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube