When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
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Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
peep davidson
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.