@TheNardvark: When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
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@dumbbeezie: Shopping with friend "Look, triangle-shaped tupperware for your leftover pizza!" Me: "What's leftover pizza?
@UncleDuke1969: [office] Me: Happy Black Friday! Latisha: … Me: I made a cake! Latisha: … Me: … Latisha: … Me: … Latisha: … Me: It’s chocolate.
@matt___nelson: I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we're all gonna die in 2012
@Marlebean: "If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus." What I actually said: "Yes, Claire, you're makeup looks lovely today!"