[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
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WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
Easy enough.
I have no passwords left in me
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make