Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
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Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
You better watch out
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
A new level of troll.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.