When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
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Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more